Thank you for coming here and reading these posts. The software on most?all? blogs publishes postings in chronological order so that the most recent posts are at the top. My writings are layered in such a way that to some extent they build on each other. I’m in the process of turning them all around. As of now, the most recent post is the last one here (scroll on down), while the first ones are here at the top. I hope something here challenges you. We live in a world with a lot of problems in the world of human sexuality. If everything seems fine to you, you are likely wrong about a whole lot.
Archive for Human Sexuality
Human Sexuality Part I – Maturity/Purity
Sexuality. Or should it be “Sexuality!” Perhaps – “Sexuality?” I guess that would depend a lot upon whether it was written or spoken. And, if spoken, whether it was in a monotone coming from a middle aged boring professor or from a woman in her late 20’s with a certain, shall we say, lilt in her voice.
However you slice it, it’s a word that grabs our attention.
Like so much else in the place in my mind that is slowly transferring into the blogosphere, I need to layer. I want to write about homosexuality and promiscuity, marital fidelity and infidelity, but before I get there I need to lay down (layer down?) some premises and presumptions upon which I write and think.
Step one is boring. Sorry.
At first glance, my approach to human sexuality seems quite Puritanical. No pre-marital sex. (I hadn’t as much as shaken my wife’s hand before our marriage.) No homosexuality. Not the topic of every (or mostly any) joke. Boring. But wait.
It could be that there is a balanced look here that moves me and my ilk out of the anal retentive and into the emotional and psychologically healthy.
This post has to be the first one because this is where I talk about talking about it. Generally speaking, sex is very private. There are a lot of reasons that you don’t talk about something. One is that you’re ashamed; another is because it’s not anyone else’s business. In a marriage setting, there is nothing shameful about sex. The reason that it is seldom spoken about is because it is so private.
So, I break ranks with tradition a bit in order to educate and in order to get to some topics that are so much at the forefront of people’s lives. I want to address homosexuality, but I can’t do that properly without addressing human sexuality as a whole. Ultimately, in spiritual terms, the goal is purity, where sex is a wonderful gift for a man and woman to solidify their relationship. The word purity, however, is a bit foreign to how we talk and think. For now, let’s talk about sexual maturity.
A definition that I once heard for maturity is an awareness of past, present, and future. (I like this idea so much I want it to be its own paragraph.)
Sexual maturity, then, would incorporate a recognition that this act, often reduced by the western “Hollywood” mentality to a purely physical one, has major future aspects tied to it. Between pregnancy, disease, and emotions, the future ramifications of sex can be immensely powerful.
[A friend suggested blogging every day. In order to do that, with the reality of the other hours of my day, I have to post some unfinished thoughts. I’ll give it a whirl. See you soon.]
Sexuality – Part II – Some thoughts on Purity
It’s easy to write off someone else or their belief – to just put them into a convenient cubby hole that doesn’t tell the whole story.
Traditional Jews are so old fashioned. No premarital sex. No extramarital sex. There are even limitations on when a husband and wife can be together.
It’s so easy to file this into our cubby under “Old Fashioned” or “Prudish.” But the whole picture is so much more . . . well, whole.
There is a goal of purity. Now this can throw people off quickly. “Be realistic,” they say. “That’s not the world that we live in.”
Idealism must be the starting place. If practicality causes us to find some element of compromise, then we’ll get to that road. Our ideals, however, should be clear. So what is the ideal? For lack of a better word: purity.
This area is one where what some people sometimes perceive from the outside is the exact flip of the reality within. The perception that many people have of Torah observant Jews is that we are at best sexist, at worst – misogynists.
Women can’t be rabbis. Women and men sit separately in synagogue, with men having the prominent role. The list of attacks is long, but the reality is different.
The goal of sexual purity is the goal for man and woman alike. Included in that goal is something which at first glance is nearly impossible to conceive for anyone raised in a Hollywood dominated society. The goal is to not objectify women.
In polite circles, women are referred to by their hair color. In less polite circles, by the sizes and shapes of body parts. In nearly all circles, women’s fashion is fashioned to highlight erotic parts of the body. In other words, women dress to highlight the parts of their bodies that men like to touch. This all leads to seeing women as objects – our descriptions are based on the physical.
I find this distasteful. I struggle to not objectify people.
People like to respond to this by saying things like, “Well, you have a problem. Why should other people have to conform to your problems?” This person is either a woman or a liar. This is not how men naturally see the world. Unless we work on ourselves for years, our eyes are naturally attracted to women’s bodies. You are entitled to believe that this is good. I would argue that it is only good to help continue our species. However, my goal is to continue the species with one wife. So, now that I’ve found her, I’d like to focus all of my male/female energy on her. I don’t want to find myself attracted to other women.
The Jewish answer to this is that women dress modestly, and men must learn to control their eyes and even their thoughts.
One great aspect, then, of sexual purity is learning how to see a woman first as a spiritual being. When we dress and live with our focus on the physical, we see a physical and objectified world.
The purity demanded of us is a great and beautiful ideal. There are many small steps to take. We all know that small steps can cover great distances over time.
Sexual Identity and Attraction I
Sexual identity and sexual attraction exist on a fluid continuum. No?
Forget about studies and percentages. Drop (for now) all debate about causes – nature vs. nurture.
There are men attracted to women, men, both, and neither. Same with women. There are men who think they are women and women who think they are men. Who cares (for this point at least) how they got there. This is the true state of the world.
What is this attraction and what do we do with it?
The feeling of this attraction can be awakened by the actual sight of a person, or it can be generated by thoughts or words. You can either see a person or even just think of one, and there you are experiencing attraction.
Now what? What form does it take? Do you want a friendship? Companionship? To touch or be touched? Held? Loved? Do you want to control or dominate? Do you want to be understood and appreciated?
There are two levels of response. The first is a deeper, barely perceptible, almost ephemeral feeling of wanting companionship and the second response takes on a personal, adult form that connects to a sexual fantasy. (By sexual fantasy, I don’t mean necessarily X-rated. It could run the gamut of holding hands while walking down a beach to . . . let’s just say all sorts of other things.)
This point – that there will often be two responses – one human-needs based and one sexually based – will have many ramifications. First, how do we define ourselves and how does it connect to feelings and thoughts about what we want to “do” to others? There is so much talk that objectifies people – literally turns them into objects – objects of our desires. Understanding where it starts and how it manifests in each of us is an important key to healthy sexual identity. This idea, then, will not only help us to understand ourselves, but it can greatly aid us in finding a fitting companion. A third byproduct of this idea is actually a very spiritual concept that can completely change your life for the better.
Stay tuned as I attempt to continue this idea over the course of the next few posts.
Calling Yourself Gay
“I’m gay. G-d made me this way.”
This is the way that many people see themselves. Gay.
What exactly does this mean? Simply, there is a sexual attraction when looking at, thinking about, or touching a person of the same sex. Simple, right?
Not so.
“I’m angry. G-d made me that way.”
Does this ring true to you? Reality is not quite so simple. Different people have a different propensity towards anger. What drives one person crazy is silly to another. One man will have an enormous struggle to stay calm when another in the same situation will hardly care. It doesn’t seem fair.
Would it be a healthier response to one’s anger to say:
“I’m just an angry person. What can I do?”
OR
“I have a big struggle with anger. When I give in to it, I hurt myself. I believe that a large part of why I’m here is to struggle with this and improve. I’m grateful to know what I have to work on.”
A more controversial question is whether this same paradigm shift can be applied to homosexuality. Is it better to say:
“I’m gay. G-d made me this way.”
OR
“I have a big struggle with same sex attraction. When I give in to it, I hurt myself. I believe that a large part of why I’m here is to struggle with this and improve. I’m grateful to know what I have to work on.”
May the Almighty help us to know what our spiritual work is and may He give us the strength to stand up in our struggles and fight.
G-d Made Me This Way – or Did He?
This is the most common response that I’ve heard from homosexuals, whether coming to terms with their sexual identity or confirming it.
Seems simple. G-d is good. He made me with attraction to men (or women if you’re a woman). This must be my “normal.” I have to couple with a man.
Here’s my problem. I agree that G-d is good. But, why, then did He create me with an attraction to women that didn’t cease when I got married? Does it follow that he wants to me to be sexually active outside of marriage? Since women are still attractive to me, should I ask my wife for permission to have a couple of lovers? Bad idea!
I’d like to suggest that the ideal is a monogamous heterosexual relationship. One person. Tell me please. Do homosexual men relate to women as something akin to a desk – no sexual attraction – or more like a toilet? There is a big difference. If it’s the former, then I’d suggest that it’s not as hard as we’re told to become, in practice, if not in feelings, a monogamous heterosexual. If the thought of being together with a woman is like licking a toilet, then two thoughts come to mind. The first is, “I’m sorry.” I have not a clue in the world what I’m saying. Every single homosexual to whom I have posed this question have answered that it’s not a matter of being disgusting – rather not as stimulating or not at all. Okay. The second thought is that if it’s disgusting to you, then that would make you a heterophobe.
Really! Sure! And seriously!
Just reverse the roles. If I were to say that I’m disgusted by the idea of two men kissing, I’d be called a homophobe. No problemo. But let’s just be a bit consistent.
So . . . just like I can make it a goal to “deconstruct” (a post soon to come (hopefully)) my extra-marital desires, you, too, my dear seeming homosexual friend can “deconstruct” this paradigm of yours. Oops. Dangerously close to calling for a cure. But, what can I do. G-d is good, and He told us that we are not allowed to engage in homosexual sex. There has to be an answer to this problem.
There is much to develop here. Is this really the way that G-d has made us? When does attraction become sexual in nature? Does a desire equal something to which we should give in to? Is my analogy fair? Can I compare my attraction to women to a homosexual attraction? Stay tuned.
Human Sexuality – Is Purity a Worthwhile Goal?
The title takes some consideration?
Can we, in such an open and sexually free society, aim for or, more, achieve sexual purity?
Without a definition of purity the answer is irrelevant. We won’t know if/when we get there.
Let’s start with an entry level definition. Sexual purity is defined as a realm where people are not viewed as objects. Sounds easy? If you’ve ever thought about the state of our world and how we, as a culture and society, view sexuality then you know that this may sound easy, but it is very far from it.
To repeat the question, then . . . can we aim for or achieve sexual purity? I believe that we can – nay must – aim for it. If I am correct that we must aim for it, it may be irrelevant as to whether or not we can achieve it. “If you build it, they will come,” is a mantra that speaks to this. If it’s right, than do it. To focus on the results can spoil that endeavor. Just do it.
the goal
The goal of purity is only to view people as people. Sounds easy? Hah!
The men will quickly realize the absurdity of this being easy. A pretty woman (for many of us male folk she doesn’t need to be pretty) walks down the street. Take a survey as to what is noticed first. A) Her rear end B) Her front end C) Her face D) Her hair E) Her seemingly charming personality?
And the survey says . . .
It is so natural to objectify people that this concept may seem utterly absurd if you’ve never heretofore thought about this. Imagine a world where men don’t communicate about women with references to her tush, bust, face, or other aspects of her shape. Unimaginable? For most, the answer is yes.
I guaranty that the answer is that this is a worthy goal. Again, whether it is achievable is not germane to me. By making this a goal, one improves in character immeasurably. By making this a goal, one is more likely to remain faithful to one’s spouse. By making this a goal, one maintains a far more likely chance of learning to see fellow humans as more spirit than body. Perhaps most importantly, by implementing this as a goal, you will likely to see yourself as more spirit than body.
It’s only the goal. There is no bragging from me of having achieved this goal. I have not. But it is my stated goal (or one of them) when it comes to how I strive to see my fellow human beings.
Out of the Closet
Let me eliminate confusion. I’m not a homophobe, but I am called one. I once had a mini-debate with someone who changed the definition to fit me.
I believe that acting upon homosexual desires is wrong. I am not afraid of homosexuals.
I remember learning that phobia means fear. That used to be true. Today, it can be applied to anyone who thinks that homosexual behavior is wrong.
Okay. Enough sarcasm. For this blog, homophobia will mean homophobia. It is a fear of homosexuals or homosexual behavior. On this blog, you are not a homophobe if you believe that homosexual behavior is wrong.
Human Sexuality Part II – The Party Continues
In Part I, I started an explanation that starts with basics.
Sex is private. It can be holy. Sexual maturity is the first stop for presenting my understanding of the traditional Jewish approach to sexuality.
Maturity is recognizing that sex is more than “just fun.” It includes the realization that we’re dealing with a lot of power, and power is not to be played with. Sex is not a toy. It can lead to the miracle of birth. The “therefore” of that statement is not that we should all hold hands for a kumbaya of mutual love and peace. Uh, not. The “therefore” of birth being a potential outcome of this three letter word is that it should be treated with more than just excitement for fun – that’s the roller coaster at the theme park. It’s more than fun; it’s awesome.
Maturity includes the ability to regulate a relationship with past, present, and future. Sexual maturity would include then respect for what sex is. Fun? Yes. But exponentially more than that as well. It includes the ability to create life, pass on deadly disease, ruin one’s emotional well being OR serve as an incredibly strong bond for two people who choose to have their paths together.
If this were only a physical act, we’d have no disregard for prostitution. It would be a great American institution, as opposed to something that virtually no one takes as an upstanding part of life. It ranks somewhere between a shame, a necessary evil, or a fraternity creation.
Do we need studies to prove everything that we say? I don’t. I purposely appeal to the inner voice of common sense. If you think prostitution is great and noble, we won’t see eye to eye on much of anything. I can hear an argument that it fills some purpose. I’d disagree, but I can hear it. The point is that we recognize that it is anything but noble.
Why?
To be continued . . .
A Cure For Homosexuality?
You want to see something odd?
Try questioning whether or not homosexuality is something that can be “fixed.” You don’t need to write a thesis on the topic or even give a class. Just question it. Go post a comment on somebody’s comments somewhere. It can be a news site, someone’s blog, or a youtube video.
You’ll be slammed.
It’s become much more obvious than a bite from a horsefly. “This is the way you were born. Learn to live with it.” “It’s who you are. Learn to accept it.” Everybody with a brain knows that homosexuality is normal, wonderful, and important to celebrate. If you disagree with this, you are wicked.
If you take this experiment a step further and actually state with confidence that homosexuality is unnatural, immoral, or not normal . . . watch out! Make sure that post doesn’t have any personal information attached to it. You’d be safer to go for a stroll in Iran draped in an American flag.
The conversation is not allowed! It is an accepted fact! There must be no dissension!
Name calling will be mandatory. You will likely be called a closed minded homophobic, scum bag idiot.
My opinion? It’s my blog. The conversation is allowed here. I’m not so sure that it can’t be “cured.” I’m quite certain that it is immoral to engage in homosexual relations. There may be some small degree of biological leaning (I’m pretty sure that there is), but it is mainly nurture.
I am not homophobic. I do not want to know what people do in the privacy of their homes. I do not want laws on the books in America that negatively affect people based on their sexual decisions. I do not want public schools to teach that this is normal. I do not want marriage to be redefined.
Call me names. Bring it on. Just beware. I am not likely to respond in turn. I enjoy civil discussion.
