Thank you for coming here and reading these posts. The software on most?all? blogs publishes postings in chronological order so that the most recent posts are at the top. My writings are layered in such a way that to some extent they build on each other. I’m in the process of turning them all around. As of now, the most recent post is the last one here (scroll on down), while the first ones are here at the top. I hope something here challenges you. We live in a world with a lot of problems in the world of human sexuality. If everything seems fine to you, you are likely wrong about a whole lot.
Archive for September, 2008
Human Sexuality Part I – Maturity/Purity
Sexuality. Or should it be “Sexuality!” Perhaps – “Sexuality?” I guess that would depend a lot upon whether it was written or spoken. And, if spoken, whether it was in a monotone coming from a middle aged boring professor or from a woman in her late 20’s with a certain, shall we say, lilt in her voice.
However you slice it, it’s a word that grabs our attention.
Like so much else in the place in my mind that is slowly transferring into the blogosphere, I need to layer. I want to write about homosexuality and promiscuity, marital fidelity and infidelity, but before I get there I need to lay down (layer down?) some premises and presumptions upon which I write and think.
Step one is boring. Sorry.
At first glance, my approach to human sexuality seems quite Puritanical. No pre-marital sex. (I hadn’t as much as shaken my wife’s hand before our marriage.) No homosexuality. Not the topic of every (or mostly any) joke. Boring. But wait.
It could be that there is a balanced look here that moves me and my ilk out of the anal retentive and into the emotional and psychologically healthy.
This post has to be the first one because this is where I talk about talking about it. Generally speaking, sex is very private. There are a lot of reasons that you don’t talk about something. One is that you’re ashamed; another is because it’s not anyone else’s business. In a marriage setting, there is nothing shameful about sex. The reason that it is seldom spoken about is because it is so private.
So, I break ranks with tradition a bit in order to educate and in order to get to some topics that are so much at the forefront of people’s lives. I want to address homosexuality, but I can’t do that properly without addressing human sexuality as a whole. Ultimately, in spiritual terms, the goal is purity, where sex is a wonderful gift for a man and woman to solidify their relationship. The word purity, however, is a bit foreign to how we talk and think. For now, let’s talk about sexual maturity.
A definition that I once heard for maturity is an awareness of past, present, and future. (I like this idea so much I want it to be its own paragraph.)
Sexual maturity, then, would incorporate a recognition that this act, often reduced by the western “Hollywood” mentality to a purely physical one, has major future aspects tied to it. Between pregnancy, disease, and emotions, the future ramifications of sex can be immensely powerful.
[A friend suggested blogging every day. In order to do that, with the reality of the other hours of my day, I have to post some unfinished thoughts. I’ll give it a whirl. See you soon.]
Sexuality – Part II – Some thoughts on Purity
It’s easy to write off someone else or their belief – to just put them into a convenient cubby hole that doesn’t tell the whole story.
Traditional Jews are so old fashioned. No premarital sex. No extramarital sex. There are even limitations on when a husband and wife can be together.
It’s so easy to file this into our cubby under “Old Fashioned” or “Prudish.” But the whole picture is so much more . . . well, whole.
There is a goal of purity. Now this can throw people off quickly. “Be realistic,” they say. “That’s not the world that we live in.”
Idealism must be the starting place. If practicality causes us to find some element of compromise, then we’ll get to that road. Our ideals, however, should be clear. So what is the ideal? For lack of a better word: purity.
This area is one where what some people sometimes perceive from the outside is the exact flip of the reality within. The perception that many people have of Torah observant Jews is that we are at best sexist, at worst – misogynists.
Women can’t be rabbis. Women and men sit separately in synagogue, with men having the prominent role. The list of attacks is long, but the reality is different.
The goal of sexual purity is the goal for man and woman alike. Included in that goal is something which at first glance is nearly impossible to conceive for anyone raised in a Hollywood dominated society. The goal is to not objectify women.
In polite circles, women are referred to by their hair color. In less polite circles, by the sizes and shapes of body parts. In nearly all circles, women’s fashion is fashioned to highlight erotic parts of the body. In other words, women dress to highlight the parts of their bodies that men like to touch. This all leads to seeing women as objects – our descriptions are based on the physical.
I find this distasteful. I struggle to not objectify people.
People like to respond to this by saying things like, “Well, you have a problem. Why should other people have to conform to your problems?” This person is either a woman or a liar. This is not how men naturally see the world. Unless we work on ourselves for years, our eyes are naturally attracted to women’s bodies. You are entitled to believe that this is good. I would argue that it is only good to help continue our species. However, my goal is to continue the species with one wife. So, now that I’ve found her, I’d like to focus all of my male/female energy on her. I don’t want to find myself attracted to other women.
The Jewish answer to this is that women dress modestly, and men must learn to control their eyes and even their thoughts.
One great aspect, then, of sexual purity is learning how to see a woman first as a spiritual being. When we dress and live with our focus on the physical, we see a physical and objectified world.
The purity demanded of us is a great and beautiful ideal. There are many small steps to take. We all know that small steps can cover great distances over time.
Sexual Identity and Attraction I
Sexual identity and sexual attraction exist on a fluid continuum. No?
Forget about studies and percentages. Drop (for now) all debate about causes – nature vs. nurture.
There are men attracted to women, men, both, and neither. Same with women. There are men who think they are women and women who think they are men. Who cares (for this point at least) how they got there. This is the true state of the world.
What is this attraction and what do we do with it?
The feeling of this attraction can be awakened by the actual sight of a person, or it can be generated by thoughts or words. You can either see a person or even just think of one, and there you are experiencing attraction.
Now what? What form does it take? Do you want a friendship? Companionship? To touch or be touched? Held? Loved? Do you want to control or dominate? Do you want to be understood and appreciated?
There are two levels of response. The first is a deeper, barely perceptible, almost ephemeral feeling of wanting companionship and the second response takes on a personal, adult form that connects to a sexual fantasy. (By sexual fantasy, I don’t mean necessarily X-rated. It could run the gamut of holding hands while walking down a beach to . . . let’s just say all sorts of other things.)
This point – that there will often be two responses – one human-needs based and one sexually based – will have many ramifications. First, how do we define ourselves and how does it connect to feelings and thoughts about what we want to “do” to others? There is so much talk that objectifies people – literally turns them into objects – objects of our desires. Understanding where it starts and how it manifests in each of us is an important key to healthy sexual identity. This idea, then, will not only help us to understand ourselves, but it can greatly aid us in finding a fitting companion. A third byproduct of this idea is actually a very spiritual concept that can completely change your life for the better.
Stay tuned as I attempt to continue this idea over the course of the next few posts.
Where Do the Atheists Go?
A typical exchange goes like this:
Me: I post a blog poking some holes in atheism or showing some evidence (not proof) of G-d’s existence.
Atheist reader: Yeah. But you don’t understand science well enough. If you did, you’d be less marveled.
Me: Like what?
A.R.: “The world spins because of angular momentum.” “Pattern is in the world because it came along to fit the already present world. It’s called ‘anthropic principle.’”
Me: Okay. But how did the material get here? How does it keep going? How does it reproduce itself? How does all of this work so perfectly together.
At this point, they disappear! Or, perhaps, I’ll be told that science will someday explain that too. And they criticize people for having blind faith!
Listen, my dear atheist friends, please hear this. Before you can dazzle me with your great mastery of science, please allow common sense to pervade a small fraction of your brain. This world is an unbelievable marvel and a freakish wonder. There is no atom that doesn’t have mystery in it. The antenna of a moth, the eyelid of a skunk, the stamin of a lily, etc. There is nothing in this world that doesn’t contain unfathomable wisdom in its construction. Accident! And you think I’m stupid! Wake up.
I’m very convinced, as I’ve written before, that you are more turned off by bad religion than anything else. Maybe most relgious people are fools. Whatever. But, let’s start this conversation with a willingness to strip ourselves of our preconceived notions. The existence of some being far more intelligent, powerful, and larger than anything we can conceive is at work here. Let’s stop pretending that science is our god. I’m a huge fan of science, but it is here to be a supplement to my common sense and intellect – not replace it.
