Archive for August, 2008

Calling Yourself Gay

August 29, 2008 at 4:39 am · Filed under Human Sexuality ·Tagged , , ,

“I’m gay. G-d made me this way.”

This is the way that many people see themselves. Gay.

What exactly does this mean? Simply, there is a sexual attraction when looking at, thinking about, or touching a person of the same sex. Simple, right?

Not so.

“I’m angry. G-d made me that way.”

Does this ring true to you? Reality is not quite so simple. Different people have a different propensity towards anger. What drives one person crazy is silly to another. One man will have an enormous struggle to stay calm when another in the same situation will hardly care. It doesn’t seem fair.

Would it be a healthier response to one’s anger to say:

“I’m just an angry person. What can I do?”

OR

“I have a big struggle with anger. When I give in to it, I hurt myself. I believe that a large part of why I’m here is to struggle with this and improve. I’m grateful to know what I have to work on.”

A more controversial question is whether this same paradigm shift can be applied to homosexuality. Is it better to say:

“I’m gay. G-d made me this way.”

OR

“I have a big struggle with same sex attraction. When I give in to it, I hurt myself. I believe that a large part of why I’m here is to struggle with this and improve. I’m grateful to know what I have to work on.”

May the Almighty help us to know what our spiritual work is and may He give us the strength to stand up in our struggles and fight.

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G-d Made Me This Way – or Did He?

August 25, 2008 at 3:43 am · Filed under Human Sexuality ·Tagged , , ,

This is the most common response that I’ve heard from homosexuals, whether coming to terms with their sexual identity or confirming it.

Seems simple. G-d is good. He made me with attraction to men (or women if you’re a woman). This must be my “normal.” I have to couple with a man.

Here’s my problem. I agree that G-d is good. But, why, then did He create me with an attraction to women that didn’t cease when I got married? Does it follow that he wants to me to be sexually active outside of marriage? Since women are still attractive to me, should I ask my wife for permission to have a couple of lovers? Bad idea!

I’d like to suggest that the ideal is a monogamous heterosexual relationship. One person. Tell me please. Do homosexual men relate to women as something akin to a desk – no sexual attraction – or more like a toilet? There is a big difference. If it’s the former, then I’d suggest that it’s not as hard as we’re told to become, in practice, if not in feelings, a monogamous heterosexual. If the thought of being together with a woman is like licking a toilet, then two thoughts come to mind. The first is, “I’m sorry.” I have not a clue in the world what I’m saying. Every single homosexual to whom I have posed this question have answered that it’s not a matter of being disgusting – rather not as stimulating or not at all. Okay. The second thought is that if it’s disgusting to you, then that would make you a heterophobe.

Really! Sure! And seriously!

Just reverse the roles. If I were to say that I’m disgusted by the idea of two men kissing, I’d be called a homophobe. No problemo. But let’s just be a bit consistent.

So . . . just like I can make it a goal to “deconstruct” (a post soon to come (hopefully)) my extra-marital desires, you, too, my dear seeming homosexual friend can “deconstruct” this paradigm of yours. Oops. Dangerously close to calling for a cure. But, what can I do. G-d is good, and He told us that we are not allowed to engage in homosexual sex. There has to be an answer to this problem.

There is much to develop here. Is this really the way that G-d has made us? When does attraction become sexual in nature? Does a desire equal something to which we should give in to? Is my analogy fair? Can I compare my attraction to women to a homosexual attraction? Stay tuned.

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Human Sexuality – Is Purity a Worthwhile Goal?

August 24, 2008 at 5:57 pm · Filed under Human Sexuality ·Tagged , , , ,

The title takes some consideration?

Can we, in such an open and sexually free society, aim for or, more, achieve sexual purity?

Without a definition of purity the answer is irrelevant. We won’t know if/when we get there.

Let’s start with an entry level definition. Sexual purity is defined as a realm where people are not viewed as objects. Sounds easy? If you’ve ever thought about the state of our world and how we, as a culture and society, view sexuality then you know that this may sound easy, but it is very far from it.

To repeat the question, then . . . can we aim for or achieve sexual purity? I believe that we can – nay must – aim for it. If I am correct that we must aim for it, it may be irrelevant as to whether or not we can achieve it. “If you build it, they will come,” is a mantra that speaks to this. If it’s right, than do it. To focus on the results can spoil that endeavor. Just do it.

the goal

The goal of purity is only to view people as people. Sounds easy? Hah!

The men will quickly realize the absurdity of this being easy. A pretty woman (for many of us male folk she doesn’t need to be pretty) walks down the street. Take a survey as to what is noticed first. A) Her rear end B) Her front end C) Her face D) Her hair E) Her seemingly charming personality?

And the survey says . . .

It is so natural to objectify people that this concept may seem utterly absurd if you’ve never heretofore thought about this. Imagine a world where men don’t communicate about women with references to her tush, bust, face, or other aspects of her shape. Unimaginable? For most, the answer is yes.

I guaranty that the answer is that this is a worthy goal. Again, whether it is achievable is not germane to me. By making this a goal, one improves in character immeasurably. By making this a goal, one is more likely to remain faithful to one’s spouse. By making this a goal, one maintains a far more likely chance of learning to see fellow humans as more spirit than body. Perhaps most importantly, by implementing this as a goal, you will likely to see yourself as more spirit than body.

It’s only the goal. There is no bragging from me of having achieved this goal. I have not. But it is my stated goal (or one of them) when it comes to how I strive to see my fellow human beings.

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Out of the Closet

August 24, 2008 at 3:31 pm · Filed under Human Sexuality ·Tagged , , , , ,

Let me eliminate confusion. I’m not a homophobe, but I am called one. I once had a mini-debate with someone who changed the definition to fit me.

I believe that acting upon homosexual desires is wrong. I am not afraid of homosexuals.

I remember learning that phobia means fear. That used to be true. Today, it can be applied to anyone who thinks that homosexual behavior is wrong.

Okay. Enough sarcasm. For this blog, homophobia will mean homophobia. It is a fear of homosexuals or homosexual behavior. On this blog, you are not a homophobe if you believe that homosexual behavior is wrong.

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Human Sexuality Part II – The Party Continues

August 24, 2008 at 3:29 pm · Filed under Human Sexuality

In Part I, I started an explanation that starts with basics.

Sex is private. It can be holy. Sexual maturity is the first stop for presenting my understanding of the traditional Jewish approach to sexuality.

Maturity is recognizing that sex is more than “just fun.” It includes the realization that we’re dealing with a lot of power, and power is not to be played with. Sex is not a toy. It can lead to the miracle of birth. The “therefore” of that statement is not that we should all hold hands for a kumbaya of mutual love and peace. Uh, not. The “therefore” of birth being a potential outcome of this three letter word is that it should be treated with more than just excitement for fun – that’s the roller coaster at the theme park. It’s more than fun; it’s awesome.

Maturity includes the ability to regulate a relationship with past, present, and future. Sexual maturity would include then respect for what sex is. Fun? Yes. But exponentially more than that as well. It includes the ability to create life, pass on deadly disease, ruin one’s emotional well being OR serve as an incredibly strong bond for two people who choose to have their paths together.

If this were only a physical act, we’d have no disregard for prostitution. It would be a great American institution, as opposed to something that virtually no one takes as an upstanding part of life. It ranks somewhere between a shame, a necessary evil, or a fraternity creation.

Do we need studies to prove everything that we say? I don’t. I purposely appeal to the inner voice of common sense. If you think prostitution is great and noble, we won’t see eye to eye on much of anything. I can hear an argument that it fills some purpose. I’d disagree, but I can hear it. The point is that we recognize that it is anything but noble.

Why?

To be continued . . .

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A Cure For Homosexuality?

August 22, 2008 at 3:57 am · Filed under Human Sexuality ·Tagged , , , ,

You want to see something odd?

Try questioning whether or not homosexuality is something that can be “fixed.” You don’t need to write a thesis on the topic or even give a class. Just question it. Go post a comment on somebody’s comments somewhere. It can be a news site, someone’s blog, or a youtube video.

You’ll be slammed.

It’s become much more obvious than a bite from a horsefly. “This is the way you were born. Learn to live with it.” “It’s who you are. Learn to accept it.” Everybody with a brain knows that homosexuality is normal, wonderful, and important to celebrate. If you disagree with this, you are wicked.

If you take this experiment a step further and actually state with confidence that homosexuality is unnatural, immoral, or not normal . . . watch out! Make sure that post doesn’t have any personal information attached to it. You’d be safer to go for a stroll in Iran draped in an American flag.

The conversation is not allowed! It is an accepted fact! There must be no dissension!

Name calling will be mandatory. You will likely be called a closed minded homophobic, scum bag idiot.

My opinion? It’s my blog. The conversation is allowed here. I’m not so sure that it can’t be “cured.” I’m quite certain that it is immoral to engage in homosexual relations. There may be some small degree of biological leaning (I’m pretty sure that there is), but it is mainly nurture.

I am not homophobic. I do not want to know what people do in the privacy of their homes. I do not want laws on the books in America that negatively affect people based on their sexual decisions. I do not want public schools to teach that this is normal. I do not want marriage to be redefined.

Call me names. Bring it on. Just beware. I am not likely to respond in turn. I enjoy civil discussion.

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Sexual Identity Continued – Gay, Straight, or Bi?

August 8, 2008 at 5:49 pm · Filed under Human Sexuality ·Tagged , , , , ,

In my last post, I noted that there are two responses that follow sexual attraction – one, a deeper human-needs based response, and the second a sexual response.

For example: John sees Jill and immediately thinks, “Wow.” The two levels of reaction will work on a massive spectrum. The desire to connect to another human is connected to a human want of being loved, understood, cherished, appreciated, and/or cared for. John may think, “This is a girl that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.” He may have no thoughts whatsoever of maintaining any relationship. This is usually working on a level below the surface. We don’t normally walk around feeling a loneliness that is awakened on a conscious level when we look at the right person. However, it is there. When a person is on a high enough level, there is little to no desire to connect deeply to a person to whom you would otherwise be sexually attracted.

John’s second response is more immediate, and more in his easily perceived consciousness. He may comment on Jill’s looks or a particular body part. There is even a chance that he will, within seconds, express a desire to engage in a particular activity with this person who he knows nothing about.

These two responses are not mutually exclusive. Some people are so shallow as to only want physical connection. Some are so real as to fully recognize their spiritual selves and keep focused on the shallowness of the surface sexual attraction. Most of us have a balance.

The point that I want to make here and now (which I hope/plan to develop much more fully) is that when a person calls him or herself gay, straight, or bisexual, all it means is that when they look at a person of the same, opposite, or either sex, that is when they have these feelings.

Huh? Why go to such lengths to define things like this? Simple.

There is a world of difference between the following two statements:

“I’m lazy.”

Or:

“I struggle with laziness.”

To say, “I’m lazy,” is to limit yourself. That is what and who you see yourself as. Story over.

To say that you struggle with your laziness is to recognize your weakness. It leaves hope. You recognize that you can improve.

So too, there is a world of difference between the following two statements:

“I’m gay.”

Or:

“I find myself aware of sexual attraction when I look at a person of the same sex as me.”

I have gay friends/readers. Let me preempt you. Chill out. The analogy does compare homosexuality to laziness. It does imply that it, too, is a less than ideal state. It is only an analogy. It is meant to make a comparison. I will develop this comparison more as we go and explain it more clearly. This is a blog and not a novel. Chill.

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