A parent numbering scale would be helpful. In order to get a feel for one’s parenting skill, we could invent a method of scoring. It would be a combination of number of children, ages, number of parents, amounts of fights per day, miles of carpooling per week, etc.
This idea came to me when I realized that I had 61 years of parenting under my belt. I came to this number by adding up all of my kids’ ages (there would be a cap once they reach 18 in this system). At what point can one give parenting advice? I thought that I knew something about this before I had kids. It turns out that a lot of what I thought was right, but forget about it because 1) so much was wrong that it more than outweighs the right and 2) what parent in their right mind wants to listen to some goofball with no kids?
This first comment on parenting is about corporal punishment – aka spanking or potching (although from my computer’s spell checker I see that potch is, unfortunately, not a word). There are loud voices on both sides of this argument. Lo and behold (can you ever say “lo or behold”?), I find myself in the center.
There is a voice that says simply don’t do it. This voice includes some rabbis whose word I value greatly. This voice also includes studies that conclude that corporal punishment is not only cruel but ineffective. This voice is so strong that there are laws being proposed that would outlaw spanking.
On the other side of this topic is the “Spare the Rod” group. Here too there is a rabbinic voice and a “secular” one. The rabbis warn about being too soft. The non-rabbis often point to effective parenting that works. So, we could chalk this up to, “Do what you want and point to your source.”
In a certain sense, you can’t have a middle path here. You do or you don’t. Still, there is a crucial balance that I have done a fairly good job of implementing and I’d like to share it.
Spanking should be two things. First, it should be a last resort. Try reason. Try distraction. Try prevention. Alternative punishments. Stern warnings. You get the point. It can be so easy to swat a child to get the behavior that you want, but you risk getting the behavior in exchange for losing the child. For those in the spanking camp, certain behavior would bring immediate action – running into the street, but in most situations, there is an alternative that will be more effective.
The second condition is the hardest, but the most important. Never with anger. This is your gauge that the spank is for the child’s benefit and not yours. This is the way that, if the spare the rod idea is still relevant today, you will teach correct behavior and not unhealthy anger management.
